As we journey together.

I thank God for everything that I’ve gone through. Yes. Everything.

In recent months I’ve really noticed how fortunate I have been to have the friends and family that God has surrounded me with in my journey through life. When I think back to the moments that I have excelled and prospered, I remember the individuals that celebrated those life changing moments with me. Yes, it’s true…sometimes all of your friends don’t celebrate your success and at times they stand on the sidelines with their hands crossed unwilling to cheer for you and your family. But, they are others who are oblivious to anything else but waiting for the moment that you score so they can let out a joyful noise and to run into the field and celebrate your victories.

I’m so thankful for you all.

Truth is…there are so many of you that I am so thankful for. Perhaps it was just one moment. One time. One event. One memory we created together. None-the-less, you were with me and you celebrated together with me…and I’m moved by you. Thank you. Thank you, so much.

Thank you dad, for being my hero. The man that has made me the man I am today. Your sacrifices, teachings, beatings, love, words have all made me who I am today. I honor you. For my pastors; Canon, Ray, Jeff, dad and my present pastor and friend, Joe. You have saved me from myself. I’m grateful for you guys…all of you. My brother, Papito. You protected me from so much. You have always taken care of me. Always. Your love for me has always made me feel safe. You’ve been strong for me. My sister Ivi, no one will replace the moments you and I have shared. They run deep in my heart. Mom, your boldness with me and for me, have changed me eternally. Your the reason why affection with kids is real to me. To all the the “brothers” of my life; Jay, Tim, Ivan, Bruce, Ozzie, Tito, Victor, Julian, Oli (the amazing uncle), B Mack, Anthony and Carlos Delgado (who is the longest friend I’ve known)…I love you guys and you mean the WORLD to me. To all the amazing women in my life; Pastor Debi, Luisa (my mom in law), Tonina, grandma, Lisa and so many more of you….I’m deeply indebted to you!

My best friend, the love of my life and my greatest fan…Monica. You are the most amazing person I’ve shared life with. Your love has covered so many wrongs and you have taught me that good people still exist in this wicked world. To the manifestation of our love; Zech and Zami, you both have made life overwhelmingly joyful. You two own my heart. I think of you every moment I’m away from you. You are so much than you will ever know.

Life Guards, The Warriors, New Way, THE REBELS…The ROOM! These movements have added value to my life! I’m so grateful…so grateful for the moments we’ve shared.

I know if you’re still reading, your looking for you name. Don’t do that. Because one of these posts wouldn’t be able to hold how many of you I’m truly grateful for. This is me just simply throwing the ones that come to mind immediately. Please accept my apologies for this is my heart not politics.

Thank you for journeying with me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me. All of you. My book has colorful illustrations because of you and all the moments we’ve shared.

Struggles

Struggles. We all have them. We all experience them.

Some struggles show up unannounced, break the doors open in our lives and ravish us hopelessly and unexpectedly. We didn’t see them coming. We sure didn’t prepare. We find ourselves violated by them and by the time we wrap our minds around what has happened, life seemingly goes on and time continues to jog without us. We fight to get back up and find rhythm in life and relationships again, and again, and again. It even seems at times as if we want to wake up from this bad dream, asking in the back of our conscious, “Did that just really happen?” or “Has it really been years and I still feel this way?”

Other struggles present themselves quite different. They spy on us, studying our moves and habits. They make their homes in the recesses of your minds where you don’t visit often. They are cunning. They move slow…but closer every single time. They’re goal is to make silent but effective impact and they play within the lines of your mind and heart. They grow. They settle. They build. They become a part of your life. Although they appear as non-threatening they don’t sleep in the cause to kill you.

Struggles. We all have them.

One of our biggest mistakes is to believe that we don’t have them. That we are exempt to dealing with struggles because of our physical, mental and spiritual condition. The misconception that we, for some reason are beyond the reach of the violent hunt for our lives. Here’s some healthy truth. We are not exempt. We are not beyond. YOU aren’t either.

So guess what? We’re in this together. Flawed. Broken. Fighting. Struggling.

I’m no life guru. I’m not writing these thoughts having mastered the struggles of life. I write staring at my own wounds, exhaustion and inability to overcome every battle. I too have been left for dead.

But……GOD.

Need I say nothing more? He doesn’t quit. He reminds us constantly that our mess is yet another opportunity for a message. That our struggles keep us human and honest to our dependability for Him and also for others. That our lives are hell bound and his grace is yet sufficient. That at times we approach the kingdom in boldness through the righteousness of His son Jesus and that at other times we approach him in humility. Whatever approach you may use…HE is GOD, which means WE are not FORGOTTEN.

Yes, struggles hit me hard. I think indefinitely about the things that I could have done different or need to change…but I rest peacefully in the arms of God. Let me say that again…”peacefully in the arms of GOD.” I stop hating on those that get blessed. I refuse to blame others for my deficiencies. I simply stare at the face of struggles and smile with peace and joy…that behind me, my father has my back.

It isn’t over. It’s only a struggle. The best…is yet to come.

For those of you that care…I’ll be hi

For those of you that care…I’ll be hitting the blog again hard next week. Got some things on this crazy mind. Love you all.

Getting past…MYSELF.

My dad has been a pastor for years. He’s been involved in ministry for as long as I could remember. In my teens he began to pastor a church and from there on, naturally, my passion for the local church grew and I became fond of authentic communities since then. I saw “church” my whole life. I experienced those amazing Thanksgiving gatherings where we all shared life and created memorable experiences. I’ve seen some amazing Christmas services, presentations & gatherings with breath taking plays, heartwarming songs and beautiful decor. I’ve seen people wowed by the constant effort of others to present a performance free of blemish and filled with encouragement during times of Easter. I’ve been in church in all seasons and have seen the church journey through many seasons both good…and bad.

For 20 years I’ve been in the “church” and it’s been a life changing experience to share in different communities during different seasons. I’ve met some pretty cool people; pastors that drew the best out of me; great leaders that shaped me into whom I am today. I’ve felt and seen the power of prayer through women during moments of vulnerability in my daily spiritual battles along with men of faith and valor, willing to sacrifice it all for the kingdom of God. Greatness surrounded me.

I’ve seen the GOOD……but I’ve also seen the BAD.

20 years of church has its way of teaching you and beating you down with the one thing that goes against the fibers of the reason why church was formed in the beginning….RELIGION. At times it has felt as though “church” relentlessly imprisoned me in the slavery of habitual actions. We say these habits are authentic and real but in its core they’re robotic responses from numb hearts shaped by hurtful experiences caused from others. Lifting hands yet feeling nothing. Receiving and embracing and yet feeling disconnected. Accepting grace yet walking in sin.

It’s easy to learn church language because we’ve perfected how to teach people what not to do rather than who to be. We make others dependent on programs, pastors and process and rarely allow authenticity to be the center of a person’s creative being. We force robotic responses and twisted doctrine in order to move crowds towards our churches rather that sharing kingdom principles that challenge people towards God.

I became an expert in this language. I would hide pain in my greetings, grief in my meetings, loneliness in my gatherings and insecurities in my relationships. No one knew me. They understood my position but they didn’t know me.

A couple of years ago I decided it was time to surrender the religion in me. I stopped doing church so I could be transformed into the church. I left my place of comfort and influence to passionately pursue a place of challenge and humility. I resigned from the secure, the common, and the known to embark upon a journey into the unknown. I simply decided it was time to get past, myself.

This getting past ourselves is difficult. It seems at times, completely impossible actually. It’s easier to make ourselves the victims, to feel as if we deserve an apology or a paycheck for what we’ve done and accomplished. We desire accolades for what we’ve done and seem as we should receive a stamp of social approval for who we are, refusing to acknowledge the fact that we are merely saved by grace and live under a merciful God who refuses to give us what we deserve…HELL.

So perhaps it’s time we all stop for a moment. Let’s stop making life about ourselves while the lives of children are sold daily into sex slavery. Let’s stop wasting time filling our cups of egos rather than filling our cups of water for those who thirst in third world countries. Let’s stop running to restaurants in gluttony to get over the stresses of our lives while people with bloated stomachs perish without food. Let’s stop meeting the status quo of physical and financial pressures of society and give what we have to the poor. My GOODNESS…. let’s get past ourselves. May we open our eyes, release religion and live authentically for Christ allowing HIM to live genuinely through us.

No one likes death. It hurts. But life began for me, when I died…to myself.

my CURE for loneliness

I believe loneliness has its way with more people than we’d like to admit.  When I engage in conversations with people experiencing loneliness, they always give me that look of disbelief when I share that I as well, have struggled with loneliness in life.  A hopeless silence grips the conversation when I say that I understand perfectly what they’re going through, as though I’m lying in some feeble attempt, to be relevant.

You see, it’s easy to assume that because I’m married (to an amazingly hot woman), have two kids and many people around me, that I have never come face to face in a fist fight with loneliness. But that is so far from the truth. Loneliness and I have a history.

It’s easy to look at a person’s life as if it were a movie. You only see what’s presented within those 90 minutes of film. But, how can you really know what’s going on in the deep recesses of that persons mind and heart in just 90 minutes? How foolish and immature, to believe that the conclusion that others have drawn up about you in a short period of time defines a complete life full of challenges, failures, joys, successes, tears, laughter, hurt, pain, healing, loneliness and love. Can you really compress over 11,680 days, 280,320 hours & 16,819,200 minutes…into one simple glance of a life? That’s ludicrous!

Just like any other person, I have battled with loneliness and struggled with its intensity to take over my life. Adding the element that I’m analytical makes this struggle much more difficult of course. My mind has a tendency of working overtime for solutions like an addicted FBI agent. I lose myself in details and endless hours of thoughts just running by with no solution in sight. It’s been quite difficult. Although, being analytical has its perks, this is definitely one of the weaknesses that come along with it.

Long before my wife accepted to be my partner in crime forever, I struggled with acceptance from others and isolated myself from many social groups & activities. Holding onto my faith, set principles, and morals created a distance between me and those who engaged in a more liberal lifestyle. I found myself compromising certain aspects of my life in order to force myself constantly into these different circles in which I felt I would find a world of contentment and acceptance. What happened is…I slowly began to lose my identity and so, naturally I pulled back and found myself…alone.

On July 20, 2001 I got married. Loneliness easily made its way back in a dark closet, but it was still lurking for my attention and domination. Although I was in the midst of experiencing an amazing life with my wife, it seemed that the pressures of ministry, a public life and pedestals set by others started to affect me. I found myself feeling lonely with no one to share all of the thoughts that would run constantly through my mind, beating me down slowly, into a place of isolation over and over again. You wouldn’t imagine how many pastors, leaders, fathers, husbands, friends and individuals do the same. Once the lights and stages are gone…they sit in a dark room being raped by feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

But through those times I’ve applied some things that have helped me overcome this battle of isolation and loneliness. By surrounding myself with good friends, embracing time alone and finding my purpose in life being a part of something bigger than myself; I have found my CURE for loneliness. It might sound simple, but it takes work, effort, time and most importantly risk.

In my next blog, I will address these three things in more detail in hopes that they will help anyone at all that reads, and at the very least, as a reminder to myself that God has brought me through these difficult times. Thanks for reading another page…in my life.

Stages for Pages

If you’re taking the time to read this blog and those to come…I am infinitely honored that you find it worth your time to do so.

Around 10 years ago, recently a newlywed, I took a big step and followed my heart into serious ministry. I chose to become part of a church plant in the Northwest side of Chicago and almost immediately was placed on stages.

It was an exhilarating experience. I relished it. Loved it. Woke up every morning knowing that at some point that week, I’d be standing before a crowd sharing God’s word to anyone that would listen. I spent hours reading The Bible. Studying. Praying. I took the time to build some teams to inject creativity and add perspective to the various talks and experiences we wanted to present. I chose individuals to criticize & challenge me; to go deeper and get better. At camps, youth gatherings, leadership meetings, Sunday services and public schools I would walk on stage and find purpose.

Quickly, I learned that not everything said in public is perceived appropriately by those listening. I realized that a good portion of the crowd didn’t necessarily appreciate all that was being shared. I was made aware of how quickly a statement could be taken out of context and an opinion perceived as erroneous truth. Some took offense while others cheered. Some said the talk was great while at times I felt completely scattered. When I felt I totally ‘screwed up’ talks others felt completely spirit- led. I succeeded. I failed. I experienced the beauty of seeing people laugh uncontrollably at my humor and also cry when stories hit home and truth excavated hearts. I saw fear in those who felt the weight of sin and anger in those who hated both God and me for representing Him.

Stages…a different vantage point from where the weight of being sure you’re applying appropriate exegesis and staying grounded for those listening, is vital. A place where you experience both the harsh reality of those desiring hope and the supernatural work of which you have no control over.

It’s a great experience but it’s also a door to personal criticism, furious attacks, and unwanted pedestals of pressure for you to become something and someone who you really aren’t. Stages can be your best platform or your illuminated gravesite.

In these pages of my life, you will not find mere platform, stage-like or overly careful talks. You will read raw thoughts about the authentic truth of my experiences in life, ministry, church and leadership. Welcome to a place where we will trade stages…for pages.